Funny stuff:
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
FW: Hello
The sort of crap that shows up in my inbox is sometimes beyond words...
------ Forwarded Message
From: Hector Sheehan <bertram43@rsi.com>
Subject: Hello
hello asshole! How are your boobs?
------ End of Forwarded Message
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Farming Gangnam Style
I could do without the song, but I firmly believe the world would be a better place if everyone took a moment now and then to dance as if they were riding a horse while really having to pee. Apparently someone at Zynga agrees. More »
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Misfits Panda aka Glenn Pandzig!
This just creeps me out, and I love it!
Misfits Panda (Glenn Pandzig!) for Erika | Flickr - Photo Sharing!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Breaking up with Reality
As I get older, I tend to feel that disconnecting from reality us mostly due to its excess supply. How can existence be so beautiful and perverse simultaneously?
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
A horse is a vehicle, in Kentucky, if you're drunk
Kentucky cops will write you a DUI if you ride a horse drunk. The fellow whose circumstances proved this to the rest of us was carrying a jar of "moonshine" at the time. Lowering the Bar has some legal analysis of the bust. Good thing the horse was sober when he got pulled over, or there would have been an additional count of cruelty to animals.
And things are not looking good for him otherwise. The statutory language is better than the title: "No person under the influence of intoxicating beverages or any substance which may impair one's driving ability shall operate a vehicle that is not a motor vehicle anywhere in this state." Okay, but what is a "vehicle not a motor vehicle"? I think a skateboard or scooter would qualify, or even a Big Wheel. The Flintstones car would count. Surely someone in Kentucky has one of those. But can a living thing be a "vehicle"? Yes, people ride around on them, but to me the common meaning of "vehicle" just doesn't include a horse (elephant, lion, Sasquatch, whatever). A vehicle is a machine.
There is some support for this elsewhere in the statutes. The one above refers to "driving" ability. "Driving" is not the same as "riding" when it comes to animals, according to television. You would "ride" a horse during a cattle "drive," for example; you don't "drive" a horse. And look over here at Section 189.310, "Vehicles meeting other vehicles and animals," which not only distinguishes between "vehicles" and "animals" but also makes the riding/driving distinction. That seems unnecessary if every animal you could ride is also a vehicle, doesn't it?
All very interesting, said no one, but aren't there often statutes that define certain legal terms? Yes, and there's one here. And sadly for Rooster Cogburn, it defines "vehicle" as including "All agencies for the transportation of persons or property over or upon the public highways of the Commonwealth.…" So while I still like my "animal is not a vehicle" argument, Kentucky has precluded it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Museum buys two mules, euthanizes them for exhibit
LUBBOCK, Texas -- A West Texas museum has purchased two old mules and euthanized them for a farm display.
The American Museum of Agriculture in Lubbock says in a statement that the two mules were purchased from a local horse and mule trader after a long search for already preserved animals came up empty.One mule was 28 years old. The other was 32.The mules were euthanized and will eventually be put on display.Museum officials say the mules would have otherwise been transported to Mexico and slaughtered.
This is the point which groups like PETA will likely ignore entirely. While I believe all life is sacred and deserving of respect, as long as the lives were not unnecessarily put to an end, I ddon't see any need for debate.
Responding to criticism over the move, the museum said in the statement released Monday that the real animals will allow visitors to get a more accurate picture of how mules are used in the field.
http://www.khou.com/news/texas-news/Museum-buys-2-mules-euthanizes-them-for-exhibit-170224226.html
Friday, September 14, 2012
Wikipedia: Phillip Roth Doesn't Know Anything About His Books
If there is anybody who is an undeniable expert in the novels of Phillip Roth, it would be this guy named Phillip Roth. According to Wikipedia, he’s a two-time National Book Award winner, he’s won a Pulitzer, he’s won the PEN/Faulkner Award three times, and a whole bunch of other awards.
Also according to Wikipedia, he does not know enough about his own book to be able to edit the page to clear up a misconception. But this event is only funny on the surface. In reality it shows how bureaucratic and near-sighted Wikipedia has actually become.
The incident is pretty simple: Roth wanted to edit Wikipedia’s page about The Human Stain, his award-winning book. Wikipedia told him that they needed secondary sources and that his word wasn’t good enough. Chuckle-worthy, right? Not really.
Stop and consider for a minute that what Wikipedia is essentially saying, to the guy who wrote the book, is “You didn’t tell enough people about this, so we can’t take you at your word.” Kafka couldn’t write something that was more of a bureaucratic nightmare.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
If You Like Peanut Butter and Jelly You Might be a Racist
Ah, public "education." That should be known as a textbook example of a contradiction in terms, what an oxymoron...
Link: http://politicaloutcast.com/2012/09/if-you-like-peanut-butter-and-jelly-you-might-be-a-racistJeff Foxworthy made a career and a fortune telling redneck jokes.
- "If you believe you got a set of matched luggage when you have two shopping bags from the same store, you might be a redneck."
- "If you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines,' you might be a redneck."
- "If you think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi, Mississippi, you might be a redneck."
I thought about coming up with a "you might be a racist if" routine. After thinking about it for awhile, I'm sure someone would say, "If you tell 'you might be a racist' jokes, you might be a racist." So switching careers is just not in the cards or stars until stupid people stop breeding and infecting the gene pool.
The latest "you might be a racist" accusation comes from a K-8 public school principal. Naturally.
"Verenice Gutierrez picks up on the subtle language of racism every day. Take the peanut butter sandwich, a seemingly innocent example a teacher used in a lesson last school year.
"'What about Somali or Hispanic students, who might not eat sandwiches?' says Gutierrez, principal at Harvey Scott K-8 School, a diverse school of 500 students in Northeast Portland's Cully neighborhood.
"'Another way would be to say: "Americans eat peanut butter and jelly, do you have anything like that?" Let them tell you. Maybe they eat torta. Or pita.'"
To ensure that there are no tinges of overt or subconscious racist thoughts, words, or actions, "Guitierrez, along with all of Portland Public Schools' principals, will start the new school year off this week by drilling in on the language of 'Courageous Conversations.'"
Their time would be better spent teaching their students to read, write, add subtract, divide, and multiply, and speak well in order to help them get good jobs so they can buy peanut butter, jelly, torta, and pita.
Who frequents ethnic restaurants more than any other group in the United States? White people! Go to your favorite Chinese, Mexican, Thai, or Cuban restaurant, and what will you find? The seats loaded with people from all types of national backgrounds. Americans love ethnic food and don't care one whit who's cooking and serving it.
I grew up in an ethnically diverse neighborhood and never thought someone else was being "insensitive to my Italian heritage" because some of my German friends ate knockwurst or "pigs in a blanket."
The inmates are running the asylum.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
The Mompetition: Girl Scout Moms, Be Quiet!
Probably since the beginning of time, it is the role of the current generation to disdainfully shake their heads at the younger generation and sense the imminent doom of the human race. This past week I have joined my predecessors and their prediction for our apocalypse. It’s Girl Scout Cookie season, the time of year when I make random trips to the local grocery store just so I have an excuse to get my fix from my favorite sash-clad dealers. Before children (BC) I would walk up, get my cookies, and either stuff them in my mouth during the car ride home or wait until I got home to brew a cup of coffee and dunk away. After children (OMGWTF) I have felt the need to engage myself more with the cookie pushers. Tragically this past week, I have been met with a startling sense that, yes, our future is doomed. Please allow me to share my two examples with you.
First, I eagerly walked up to the young girl who was stationed behind the poster-covered table. Back in my day a box was only one dollar and fifty cents and each cookie had normally abnormal names like Trefoils, Tangalongs and Do-si-does, but I digress. I asked the Brownie Scout if I could please have a box of Thin Mints, ie crack covered in chocolate. She rolled her eyes over to her mother who said, “That will be three dollars and fifty cents!” as she handed me the flimsy green box. Annoyed at her mother’s involvement in our transaction, I looked back at the young Brownie scout and asked, “I have a ten dollar bill, how much change do I get back?” The mom spit out, “six-fifty!” “I was asking her,” I replied. The Brownie removed her iPod headphones and politely said, “Huh?” I repeated, “Change, how much change do I get from a ten dollar bill when buying this one box of cookies?” The girl looked at her mom. I held my hand up, twitched my head to the right with a slight jerk and returned my glare back to Miss Brownie. She immediately sensed she was in the midst of having a thought and her pain was apparent. She uttered, “Um, I don’t know. Mom, I need a calculator, hand me my phone.” Defeated, Mom said, “It’s six-fifty honey.” The little girl then plugged her ear buds deeply into the cavity that is supposed to hold a brain.
Fail number two began when my doorbell rang. For a brief moment I thought, Oh goodie! This little girl will provide me with the sense that our world isn’t going down the brainless toilet! Then, she greeted me with “Do you want some Girl Scout cookies?” Not ‘how are you doing this evening madam’, just “ya want um or not lady.” I glanced up to see a velour-covered woman with a rolling crate hanging out on my sidewalk. To interject, ok, one, I had to peddle my own cookies with no help from adults, and two, I had to haul my boxes around in a metal wagon freezing to death as I went from house to house. I suppose in this day and age most mothers have fallen victim to the your daughter will be raped and murdered if she dare knock on a neighbors door creed. But, let’s not get started on that. Back to my story, “Yes, I will take a box of Thin Mints please.” Again, I began my test, however this time I gave a unmistakable glance to the mother letting her know, this was a test to see if our species will, in fact, live on. “I am going to get one box of cookies, here is a ten dollar bill, how much change do I get back.” Instantly, the girl responded, “I don’t know,” and glanced at her mother. The mom, actually playing along said, “Honey, figure it out, she is giving you a ten and the box of cookies is three dollars and fifty cents. How much change do I need to give her?” The girl stammered, stared at the ground, shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know.” The mom instantly sensed judgment and pleaded cheerfully, “Honey, just subtract three point five from ten!” The little girl again replied, “I don’t know.” Mom asked unconvincingly, “You know how to subtract right?” The fourth grade girl replied, “Kinda, why?” Mom again said, “Ok, good, ten minus three point five is…oh come on honey, don’t you know? It is…siiiiiiiiiix (eye brows raise and voice ascends) fiiiiiifty (chin lowers and voice descends).” The girl looks at me and says, “six-fifty!” The mom says, “Yes! Right! Good job!” The mom then plunks down six dollars and fifty cents and the pair walked away.
Now, I don’t know about you, but the above anecdotes make me throw my head deeply into my hands and shake my head with fury. What is going on Moms? These little girls have no clue about business manners or simple sense? What is 2026 going to look like when these women start entering the workforce? Will they rely on others to keep pushing them along? Will they constantly shrug and say, “I dunno?” The whole purpose of earning a cookie badge is to teach our young women the basics of our capitalistic entrepreneurial market. As long as ‘Girl Scout Mother’ is handling all matters, our young women have no support system in this educational arena. For the love of all that is holy, let your daughters learn. Let them try, let them fail, and let them handle their own responsibilities. I gladly would have waited hours for that little girl to come up with “six dollars and fifty cents”. But, as so many moms are, her mom was too concerned about making sure her daughter’s little brain didn’t struggle or get it’s feelings hurt. Well I have news for you honey, life hurts, the real world is hard and the sooner you learn to look an adult in the eye and count back change, the sooner you will get your big girl panties.
The Mompetition: Girl Scout Moms, Be Quiet!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Bad Lip Reading’s Version of ‘Twilight’ Improves on the Dialogue
Those in the anti-Twilight camp can come up with a million and one reasons to hate the series in about five sconds, but even those who don't out-and-out loathe it have to groan at some of the franchise's more painfully overwritten dialogue. I remember going to see the first film with a friend who lived for girly, romantic movies, and even she couldn't help but laugh at Robert Pattinson's mortified reading of "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."
So maybe it's for the best that the first installment of the series has now received the Bad Lip Reading treatment. No more Bella chewing her lip and sighing about how gosh-darned pretty Edward is. Now their stilted flirtations have been turned into gibberish like "You slapped a fish. You punched it" and "That cake's my most bestest creation. Why'd you eat it?" I'm not saying the new dialogue is any smarter (it most definitely is not), but it is about a hundred times funnier. Watch the brilliantly stupid video after the jump.
For the unintiated, the charm of the Bad Lip Reading videos is that their new nonsense dialogue syncs perfectly with the victims' lips, making it look like they really are spouting those inane lines. Highbrow humor it isn't, but I laughed harder than I ever thought I would at any Twilight movie.
[via Screen Crush]
The team more often targets politicians and pop stars, but apparently they've now moved on to movies. Jeff Who Lives at Home got some new lines as well, back in July, but Twilight works so much better because the original movie takes itself so seriously. Head to their YouTube page to see more videos.
Original Page: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/slashfilm/~3/7gOTtwJ4gAU/
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Ebola Phone Thief
A thief nicked a cell phone from a patient at Kagadi Hospital in Kibaale District, Uganda. Turns out, the owner had Ebola and the thief became infected. From The Monitor:
Police detectives began tracking him after he apparently began communicating to his friends using the phone. But as police zeroed in on him, he developed symptoms similar to those of Ebola and sought medication at the hospital.
While at hospital he reportedly confessed stealing the phone and has handed it to Kagadi police.
“Kagadi Police Station received that complaint and investigations are underway,” Mr John Ojokuna Elatu, the district police commander confirmed to Sunday Monitor.
Thief infected with Ebola from stolen phone - Boing Boing
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Man stopped at customs for carrying hundreds of dead black caterpillars eats his way through them
A man left airport border guards stunned when he munched his way through hundreds of dead caterpillars which had been discovered in a secret compartment in his suitcase.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Everyone Is Always Naked
Congrats, pervs. The Parents Television Council released its annual report on TV nudity earlier this week, and it looks like you smut soldiers are winning the war. More »
Friday, August 17, 2012
Your Next Printer May be a MeatJet
The Thiel Foundation has made a six-figure grant to a series of biotechnology startups, including a company that wants to 3-D-print meat.
Modern Meadow is a Missouri-based startup that believes 3-D printing could help to take some of the environmental cost out of producing a hamburger. He said: “If you look at the resource intensity of everything that goes into a hamburger, it is an environmental train wreck.”You had me at Missouri...
The company claims that by carefully layering mixtures of cells of different types in a specific structure, in-vitro meat production becomes feasible. It’s set a short-term goal of printing a sliver of meat around two centimeters by one centimeter, and less than half a millimeter thick, which is edible.
The company explains in a submission to the United States Department of Agriculture: “The technology has several advantages in comparison to earlier attempts to engineer meat in vitro. The bio-ink particles can be reproducibly prepared with mixtures of cells of different type. Printing ensures consistent shape, while post-printing structure formation and maturation in the bioreactor facilitates conditioning.”
However, it admits that the road ahead is strewn with difficulties. “The consumer acceptance of such products may not be without challenges. We expect it will first appeal to culinary early-adopter consumers and the segment of the vegetarian community that rejects meat for ethical reasons. With reduction in price, it can reach the masses with religious restrictions on meat consumption (people restricted to Hindu, Kosher, Halal diets) and finally populations with limited access to safe meat production.”
To help the company achieve this aim, Billionaire Peter Thiel has given it a grant of between £160,000 and £220,000, through the Thiel Foundation’s “Breakout Labs”. Other recipients of grants include Bell Biosystems and Entopsis, both medical startups.
PayPal Founder Backs Synthetic Meat Printing Company | Wired Science | Wired.com
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Woman super-glued to Walmart toilet seat
A woman at a Kentucky Walmart got into a sticky situation this week when she sat on a toilet seat covered in super glue.
The unidentified woman was using the restroom at the Monticello, Ky., store, when she found that she was glued to the seat and couldn't get up, NBC affiliate LEX 18 reported. She was trapped on the toilet for at least an hour, according to the television station.
Police are investigating the incident.
"We're looking at it. Right now, I wouldn't be prepared to say which way it was - accident or intention," Monticello Police Department Chief Ralph Miniard told WAVE News.
Paramedics managed to pull the woman off the seat and took her to the hospital for examination.
APRIL FOOLS' JOKER LEAVES MAN GLUED TO WALMART TOILET; COPS MEDICS PULL MAN OFF JOHN, SEAT AND ALL
This isn't the first time someone has been glued to a toilet seat at a Walmart. In March 2011, a 48-year-old man in Elkton, Md., fell victim to an apparent April Fool's prank when he sat on a toilet seat that had been covered in glue, CNN reported.
If the prankster had been caught in that case, he or she could have faced second-degree assault charges, police told CNN.
Woman super-glued to Walmart toilet seat - New York Daily News
Man Bites Police Dog's Ear
A police dog serving with a North Carolina police department had its ear bitten by a suspect when officers were serving a warrant, authorities said.
Maxx, 2, the rookie K-9 worth about $15,000 and considered a law enforcement agent under state law, had to be rushed to a veterinarian’s office Sunday and given more than a dozen stitches after a run in with a man who nearly bit the dog's ear in two, Lucy Crockett, the public information officer for the Wilmington Police Department, said.
"He’s a terrific dog," Crockett said. "And he was undaunted, even though he was being bitten, he did not let the suspect go."Maybe Glaspie should have bitten the cop instead...
Crockett said Maxx’s inexperience may have shown during the alleged assault. Even though he did not let up on the suspect, she said he probably didn’t return the level of force a more seasoned dog would have applied given the circumstances.
Police identified the suspect as Travis Glaspie, 22, who granted WECT.com a jailhouse interview.
"I ain’t never been bit by a dog or nothing, so I bit the dog on the ear," Glaspie said. Glaspie went on to say he believed he was mishandled by police during the arrest. He said a police officer punched him in the face and the dog was told “good boy” while he was biting the suspect.
[...]
Man Plagued by Porn-Induced Headaches
A man plagued by porn-induced headaches has to take painkillers 30 minutes before watching the X-rated movies, according to a case study. a The unnamed "unmarried male software professional," 24, complained of "severe, exploding" headaches that developed gradually and peaked 10 minutes into the sexy scenes."Doctor, doctor. It hurts when I do this."
"Progressively, he started to refrain from viewing videos as a means of avoiding headaches," researchers from Guru Gobind Singh Indraprastha University in New Delhi, India, wrote in the case study published in the June issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior.Sounds like the sensible thing to do...
The cause of the man's ill-timed headaches, triggered only by porn and not by sex or masturbation, is unclear.
"This guy is interesting because he's just watching porn and not actually having sex," said Dawn Buse, associate professor of neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and director of behavioral medicine at the Montefiore Headache Center in New York. "But he probably still gets aroused and excited, which may be even worse than having sex because there's no release."
Buse said about 1 percent of the population -- mostly males -- get headaches associated with sexual activity. But even arousal can cause changes in muscle tension, nerve sensitivity and blood flow in the brain that boost the perception of pain, she said.
[...]
Man Plagued by Porn-Induced Headaches | firstcoastnews.com
Man threatens neighbor with gun for flatulence
Odor in the court.
A 72-year-old New Jersey man has been charged with threatening to shoot his neighbor for farting in front of his home.
Instead of waving off Monday night’s flatulence attack, Daniel Collins of Teaneck pulled a .32-caliber revolver and threatened to “put a hole” in his gassy neighbor’s head, cops said.
The stink apparently stemmed from an ongoing dispute between the two men over noise, police told The Record of North Jersey.
Collins told cops his 47-year-old neighbor cut the cheese so loudly in his vestibule he heard it inside his apartment before he smelled it.
Collins was charged with aggravated assault, unlawful possession of a firearm and making terroristic threats. He was released without bail.
Man threatens neighbor with gun for flatulence - New York Daily News
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
Today's Learning: Motorboating Olympics
Today's Learning: Did you know that motor boating was an Olympic event in 1908?
I'd easily earn gold if it were still included today.
Sadly, it was a one-time event...
I'd easily earn gold if it were still included today.
Sadly, it was a one-time event...
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Slut Shaming Women
It's no secret that I am not a fan of Sarah Palin. Most of the time when she opens up her mouth, I cringe. I don't like her politics. I think she is a hypocrite as well, and I don't feel she is an honest person. I think she should just step down and go about her life.
But, I have to say I was shocked, saddened and very angry over many of the comments that I saw pertaining to the posted photo.
Palin is wearing a a Superman T-shirt, a pair of black capri pants and some high heels.
She looks good. She's a middle aged woman and she obviously takes care of herself. More power to her.
I couldn't walk in those shoes, but I think she is rocking them out. And I personally love the T-shirt. I want one!
The remarks that I saw all over the Internet about this particular picture, well..shocked me.
Let me repeat. I am NOT a fan of Palin, but when I saw the picture, I pretty much just kept on going. I didn't have an opinion on it and I didn't see what other people saw. I really had no clue why that picture was showing up all over the Internet, until I saw some actual posts about it.
I saw several references to her picture calling her a "whore, slut, trailer trash." I saw comments about her breasts being fake and her shoes being called, "come fuck me shoes."
One man said, "She looks like a trailer park whore.. sorry,,"
(You're not sorry. You're ignorant.)
Another said, " She just needs a wild liberal 'Superman', with a big gun, to show her some tuff love… anybody know one…?"
(Yeah, just what every woman needs. Fuck her good. Teach her something.)
I am convinced that people say things like this to dehumanize a person.
Strip them down to nothing. And for women, it is even worse. Why is this okay?
Full article: http://www.worldwidehippies.com/2012/08/09/slut-shaming-women/
Monday, August 6, 2012
How to Avoid Social Interaction
Talking with strangers on the bus is a great way to learn about the world, but some days you just want to shut yourself off. For those types of days, ... read more
Or just stay home...
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Taxing Customers
If more folks would come to that conclusion, we might be able to get back to a free market system without an interventionistic government stealing from us through taxation.Me: "Hello, how are you, sir?"
Customer: "Just this." *places a magazine on the counter*
Me: "That will be $2.20, please."
Customer: "There's tax!"
Me: "Yes, sir. Magazines are taxed."
Customer: "To h*** with that! I ain't payin' no tax!" *stomps off*
Next Customer: *to the first customer* "Well, aren't you a special snowflake?"
Related:
Taxing Customers
Monday, July 30, 2012
What You're Saying About Tosh.0
Featuring some of the latest Twitter and Facebook comments about Tosh.0.
I'm in if you turn that air down a bit.
Original Page: http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2012/07/30/what-youre-saying-about-tosh-0-522/
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