Probably since the beginning of time, it is the role of the current generation to disdainfully shake their heads at the younger generation and sense the imminent doom of the human race. This past week I have joined my predecessors and their prediction for our apocalypse. It’s Girl Scout Cookie season, the time of year when I make random trips to the local grocery store just so I have an excuse to get my fix from my favorite sash-clad dealers. Before children (BC) I would walk up, get my cookies, and either stuff them in my mouth during the car ride home or wait until I got home to brew a cup of coffee and dunk away. After children (OMGWTF) I have felt the need to engage myself more with the cookie pushers. Tragically this past week, I have been met with a startling sense that, yes, our future is doomed. Please allow me to share my two examples with you.
First, I eagerly walked up to the young girl who was stationed behind the poster-covered table. Back in my day a box was only one dollar and fifty cents and each cookie had normally abnormal names like Trefoils, Tangalongs and Do-si-does, but I digress. I asked the Brownie Scout if I could please have a box of Thin Mints, ie crack covered in chocolate. She rolled her eyes over to her mother who said, “That will be three dollars and fifty cents!” as she handed me the flimsy green box. Annoyed at her mother’s involvement in our transaction, I looked back at the young Brownie scout and asked, “I have a ten dollar bill, how much change do I get back?” The mom spit out, “six-fifty!” “I was asking her,” I replied. The Brownie removed her iPod headphones and politely said, “Huh?” I repeated, “Change, how much change do I get from a ten dollar bill when buying this one box of cookies?” The girl looked at her mom. I held my hand up, twitched my head to the right with a slight jerk and returned my glare back to Miss Brownie. She immediately sensed she was in the midst of having a thought and her pain was apparent. She uttered, “Um, I don’t know. Mom, I need a calculator, hand me my phone.” Defeated, Mom said, “It’s six-fifty honey.” The little girl then plugged her ear buds deeply into the cavity that is supposed to hold a brain.
Fail number two began when my doorbell rang. For a brief moment I thought, Oh goodie! This little girl will provide me with the sense that our world isn’t going down the brainless toilet! Then, she greeted me with “Do you want some Girl Scout cookies?” Not ‘how are you doing this evening madam’, just “ya want um or not lady.” I glanced up to see a velour-covered woman with a rolling crate hanging out on my sidewalk. To interject, ok, one, I had to peddle my own cookies with no help from adults, and two, I had to haul my boxes around in a metal wagon freezing to death as I went from house to house. I suppose in this day and age most mothers have fallen victim to the your daughter will be raped and murdered if she dare knock on a neighbors door creed. But, let’s not get started on that. Back to my story, “Yes, I will take a box of Thin Mints please.” Again, I began my test, however this time I gave a unmistakable glance to the mother letting her know, this was a test to see if our species will, in fact, live on. “I am going to get one box of cookies, here is a ten dollar bill, how much change do I get back.” Instantly, the girl responded, “I don’t know,” and glanced at her mother. The mom, actually playing along said, “Honey, figure it out, she is giving you a ten and the box of cookies is three dollars and fifty cents. How much change do I need to give her?” The girl stammered, stared at the ground, shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know.” The mom instantly sensed judgment and pleaded cheerfully, “Honey, just subtract three point five from ten!” The little girl again replied, “I don’t know.” Mom asked unconvincingly, “You know how to subtract right?” The fourth grade girl replied, “Kinda, why?” Mom again said, “Ok, good, ten minus three point five is…oh come on honey, don’t you know? It is…siiiiiiiiiix (eye brows raise and voice ascends) fiiiiiifty (chin lowers and voice descends).” The girl looks at me and says, “six-fifty!” The mom says, “Yes! Right! Good job!” The mom then plunks down six dollars and fifty cents and the pair walked away.
Now, I don’t know about you, but the above anecdotes make me throw my head deeply into my hands and shake my head with fury. What is going on Moms? These little girls have no clue about business manners or simple sense? What is 2026 going to look like when these women start entering the workforce? Will they rely on others to keep pushing them along? Will they constantly shrug and say, “I dunno?” The whole purpose of earning a cookie badge is to teach our young women the basics of our capitalistic entrepreneurial market. As long as ‘Girl Scout Mother’ is handling all matters, our young women have no support system in this educational arena. For the love of all that is holy, let your daughters learn. Let them try, let them fail, and let them handle their own responsibilities. I gladly would have waited hours for that little girl to come up with “six dollars and fifty cents”. But, as so many moms are, her mom was too concerned about making sure her daughter’s little brain didn’t struggle or get it’s feelings hurt. Well I have news for you honey, life hurts, the real world is hard and the sooner you learn to look an adult in the eye and count back change, the sooner you will get your big girl panties.
The Mompetition: Girl Scout Moms, Be Quiet!
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